if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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