oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
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There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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