I look better un-naked...
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
