my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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