I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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