My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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