You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Panties = found
Randomize
