you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
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me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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