I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Randomize
