Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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