My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
