I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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