My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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