I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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