My nipple is on Facebook.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
