You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
