Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
