do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
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so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
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I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
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