Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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