just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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