I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
