my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
