Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
