once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
When did we convert life to cartoon?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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