So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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