I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
