she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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