who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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