My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
