just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
