i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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