I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
