so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
