You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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