Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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