Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets