My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
