this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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