I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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