My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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