I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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