I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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