I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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