I molested 6 butterflies tonight
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
