I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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