I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
