So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
