if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
