you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
