our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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