and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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