broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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