My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
