sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
As shirtless as possible
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
All the doctor said was why
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
