I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
