drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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