smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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