New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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