I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
try to milk me bitch
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
