Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
